The Hidden Consequences of self-discovery no one warned me about (and how I’m finding balance in my relationships)
Nobody warned me about the unexpected consequences of self-discovery. So I feel the need to warn you. Don’t get me wrong, this journey has helped me build the life I’m creating now—including meeting my boyfriend, moving to Houston to create a new version of “home” and embracing experiences I love—it definitely brought challenges. Specifically, I realized that my intense self-focus was making it hard to connect in relationships. So, let’s unpack how a journey of self-discovery, while highly recommended, needs to be entered with a certain level of awareness.
The Benefits and Downsides of Self-Discovery
The inner work I’ve done has been deeply impactful. I think life is one big experiment where we try something and see what happens. Maybe we succeed or fail, either way, we learn from it. Over the past four years, I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of human design, journaling, and self-reflection to better understand myself. I wanted to gain clarity on which parts of myself were really ME rather than the programming I had picked up from family, friends, or society. I wanted to explore what I liked and disliked. I noticed what my triggers were and how I could respond to them in ways that felt better.
By learning about my emotional authority in human design, I stopped viewing my emotions as something to “fix” and embraced them as part of my authentic self. This inner work made me more resilient and grounded.
However, one of the unintended consequences was becoming overly self-centered. With so much emphasis on my inner peace and my personal growth, I found it hard to adjust in relationships and welcome compromise. I had built up such strong routines—often 3-4 hours of uninterrupted self-care—that I struggled to share that space.
I was afraid of compromising because I was confusing it with self-neglect. I’d wonder “Am I compromising too much?” I had years of only putting my needs and desires first, so I began to lean toward hyper-independence even though emotionally I craved partnership.
My conversations and thinking were full of ME, I, and SELF. But this isn’t to demonize those words because we need those too. There were points in my life where my self worth caused me to settle for things from people, jobs, and situations that I shouldn't have. So my focus on self became an over-correction to adjust for past experiences where I felt undervalued.
The inner journey of self-discovery cannot take place in a vacuum. When it does, you get to outrun your triggers and control the outcomes, never being challenged, which doesn’t help you grow. It actually makes you weaker.
Self-Focus vs. Self-Centeredness
This journey taught me there’s a fine line between healthy self-focus and self-centeredness. Healthy self-focus means knowing your values, setting boundaries, and honoring your well-being, which ultimately strengthens your relationships. But self-centeredness is when self-focus becomes so consuming that it limits your capacity to empathize or connect deeply with others. I found self-centeredness to be a barrier to the exact things I craved—love and connectedness.
Healthy Self-Focus:
Taking time for self-reflection to align your life with what matters.
Setting boundaries that protect your well-being without isolating others.
Practicing self-care while remaining open to the needs of those around you.
Self-Centeredness:
Prioritizing your preferences over others’ needs.
Viewing every compromise as a personal loss, rather than an opportunity for shared growth.
Focusing so heavily on your journey that you make it hard to listen and empathize.
The biggest difference I noticed? Healthy self-focus creates space for connection by making you more grounded and authentic, while self-centeredness isolates you. Self-centeredness is what will eventually leave you lonely because who wants to deal with that?
Moving from Self-Centeredness to Balance
This journey of learning who you are and how to interact with the world is a lifelong process. So I have not arrived and neither will you. We’re are evolving every single day. But gradually, I realized that to build meaningful relationships, I needed to find a more balanced approach. Here are the steps I took:
Shift from “I” to “we” thinking: I began to ask, “How can we create something that works for both of us?” instead of only thinking about what I wanted. And to be honest, nudges from my boyfriend helped me lean into “we” thinking as we considered our next steps in life….
Clarify my values and boundaries: I revisited my values and set boundaries that aligned with them, allowing me to compromise without feeling I was abandoning myself. I learned to speak up for myself, but also listen to what others needed from me. Healthy compromise aligns with your values, even if it requires flexibility. Constantly going against your values can signal self-neglect. We’re not sacrificing ourselves and our values for the sake of not being lonely.
Practice active listening and empathy: I’m working on listening without filtering everything through my own experience, which leads to deeper, more meaningful interactions. This one has been the most challenging, but the bigger the challenge, the more I know I need to learn.
Reflect on decisions and compromises: I use my emotional authority in human design when making bigger decisions. This means I have to practice patience. But I also consider lifestyle design, by checking in to ensure it aligns with my values and well-being.
Notice my emotions and energy: Healthy compromise leaves you feeling respected and connected. If you feel drained or diminished, it may be self-neglect. I use journaling most often to check in with myself and get out of my head.
Identify patterns: Compromise should be a balanced, two-way street. If you’re always the one bending, it may be time to reevaluate. However, we should never view it as a tit for tat or keep score on who compromises because that only leads to resentment.
Ask myself if this supports my growth: Healthy compromises often lead to personal growth. Self-neglect feels like shrinking.
Cultivate flexibility and openness: I embraced the idea that compromise doesn’t mean losing myself, but rather growing with others.
Trust my intuition: I’ve found that my intuition will tell me when something isn’t right. If a compromise feels like too much of a sacrifice, that’s worth me diving deeper into.
Advice for My Former Self (and for You)
If I could go back and speak to my 2020 self, here’s what I would say:
“Elle, getting to know yourself is a beautiful thing, but leave space for others to join you. You don’t need to build walls of protection. Instead, learn to express yourself, apologize when necessary, and trust your intuition. Your intuition will guide you when a person or situation isn’t right, so you can stay aligned with your values.”
Balance and flexibility can ease both internal and external conflicts. Look at the bigger picture and alignment with your values. Is this ‘thing’ worth fighting for or are you fighting for a limitation? Does the bigger picture still align with what you want? Often, two people are debating different paths to reach the same destination. Being open to other perspectives doesn’t mean abandoning yourself; it means creating a life where both you and your relationships can grow.
The goal of self-discovery is to create a life aligned with your values while remaining open and adaptable. By practicing healthy self-focus, we can build a life that honors our own needs and creates space for others to connect with us on the journey. Self-discovery doesn’t have to isolate us. In fact, it shouldn’t at all. There may be periods of solitude, but your journey shouldn’t completely disconnect you from the outside world. We humans need connection. So I hope my “warning” can help you use self-discovery as the foundation for deeper, more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others you meet along the way.
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