Why You Need A Love Affair with Yourself
“To love one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
-Oscar Wilde
The greatest thing you can give yourself is one you’re overlooking…
A love affair. With yourself.
Having a love affair with yourself means taking the time to truly know and understand yourself, and nurture a deep love and appreciation for who you are. It's a journey of self discovery where you get to embrace your innate magic and live authentically in your own truth.
Sounds deep, right?
Yes, but it can also be empowering, fun, and illuminating. Even greater the relationship you create with yourself is the foundation for everything else in your life.
On Instagram, I’ll frequently show my solo travels or dancing alone in the house. I take myself out on dates and spend a lot of time enjoying my own company.
But, does that mean I always want to be alone?
No.
As humans, one of our core needs is love and connection. However, what I’ve learned in past relationships is if I don’t know + love myself and know how to enjoy my own company, then I become a version of myself that even I don’t want to be around!
No relationship can withstand that.
So not only does a love affair with the self impact your most important relationship (the one with yourself), but also the strength of future relationships.
There’s a muse within you waiting to be unleashed, nurtured, and even adored. To do that, you’ll need to ask hard questions and take the time to explore who you are, what you like, what you don't like, and what makes you happy. It means embracing your passions and interests, and giving yourself permission to pursue them. It’s also being honest with yourself about your strengths and challenges while being willing to work through them.
This is deep and beautiful work that your inner muse is asking of you, in order to help her shed the heavy armor that’s weighing her down or dulling her magic.
To begin your love affair with yourself, experiment with journaling or audiojournaling on these questions:
How would you show up if you knew no one would judge you?
What type of experiences do you want to create in your life?
What gifts and magic are you holding onto that need to be shared or expressed?
What do you really and truly want?
Be honest with yourself. So often, the desires we say we want are actually what others want for us, what we’ve been conditioned to believe is right or valuable, and what we think will make us more acceptable in the eyes of others. But I need you to cast that aside.
What do YOU really want??
Ask yourself that question and check in with your human design authority.
Emotional Authority: Do a brain dump. Write down your ideas + desires, then sit on it a few days. Come back and see what still feels good. Does it still resonate or have you changed your mind? If it feels unclear, give yourself more time for clarity to arrive or remove it from your list for now. (note: you usually won’t have 100% clarity with emo authority).
Sacral Authority: Make (or speak) a list of ideas + desires, then ask yourself yes or no questions to see how your body responds. You're looking for a full body yes. If you ask yourself a question and it feels unclear or there's an "ummmm" or "hmmm" that's a no. At least for now.
Splenic Authority: Experiment with writing out your questions and any options you're considering. Then take a deep breath to get still. And ask yourself, what is the simplest way to do this? What is the healthiest way for me? Then listen to what your inner voice says. It may be a soft whisper or sense of “knowing.”
Ego, Self Projected, Mental Authority: Write down the options you're considering, then put your hand over your heart space, take a deep breath and ask yourself what you want out loud. You may want to use audio tools like voice memo or voxer to speak your desires out loud. Then decide if it still feels good.
Lunar Authority: Because the Moon is your authority, checking in with yourself as you cycle through the 28 day lunar cycle supports you. You can write down your ideas + desires, then check in with yourself regularly to see how you feel about what you wrote down. At the end of the lunar cycle, see how your thoughts + feelings have evolved.
Sometimes we don’t know what we want because of limited experiences and examples of what is possible. That’s when expanders come in. An expander is someone who serves as an example of what’s possible.
Where to find expanders - Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, or your other social media of choice (this is a better use of it rather than comparing our lives to others), YouTube, Books, or Pinterest.
Are you currently being a good partner to yourself?
If you were with a partner who always talked down to you, disrespected you, or ignored your needs + desires, you’d eventually leave them, right? Some of us are in abusive and unfulfilling relationships with ourselves and don’t even realize it! Maybe YOU are the one verbally abusing yourself, putting everyone else’s needs over your own, and even ignoring your intuition.
As the saying goes, you have to teach people how to treat you. So if your relationship with yourself is not satisfying, it’s quite possible that your relationships with others will not be what you need + deserve.
Engaging in a love affair with yourself will support you in learning to listen to what you actually want in life, who you want to show up as, and where you want to go. Like an artist inspired by the muse creates a beautiful work of art, you are tapping into your inner muse to make life your work of art.
In our relationships with a partner, honesty and integrity are crucial. One of the books that impacted me comes to mind, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
The 1st agreement is “Be impeccable with your word.” This includes keeping your word to yourself. As you’d expect your partner to keep their word to you, in your love affair with yourself, you’re going to practice keeping your word to yourself.
How to be impeccable with your word
Start by making tiny promises to yourself that you can keep, then work your way up to bigger promises. Especially when it comes to change, it’s easy to say you’re going to do something, struggle to do it, then wonder why.
For example, promising to wake up earlier but then hitting the snooze button. Or saying you’ll eat healthier but continuing to binge on junk food.
Instead, start with micro changes.
If you want to wake up at 6:00 am but you normally wake up at 8:00, try waking up at 7:45 for 1 week, then 7:30 the next week. Inch your way toward the goal with tiny changes, then continuing progress more.
When you try to make big changes too fast, it won’t feel sustainable. Science shows us that the mind doesn’t like change. It would rather stick with the familiar. So as you start keeping tiny promises to yourself, you can shift your focus to things that feel even more important to you that will really move the needle in your life.
The other aspect of being impeccable with your word is transforming your self talk. If you’ve ever been in relationship with a verbally abusive partner, it can really tear you down and have you questioning yourself. How many times have YOU been the verbally abusive partner to yourself?
Your self talk is even more powerful than how others speak to you. Because your relationship with yourself is one you cannot escape, it is always present for the rest of your life.
When I’m working with my human design clients, I like to cast a light on the magic within them. In this world, we spend so much time evaluating and critiquing each other…giving “constructive feedback.” All of that can certainly be useful, but when is the last time someone told you something amazing about yourself? Or when is the last time you reflected on what you like about yourself?
Here’s a practice I do every day during my 6 Phase Meditation session:
Reflect on 3 things you’re grateful for in your personal life
Reflect on 3 things you’re grateful for in your work life
And then reflect on 3 things you’re grateful for about yourself. This is time for self appreciation
Another practice I love is mirror work. With mirror work, you’re saying positive affirmations and affirming yourself with kind words. Reciting in the mirror allows you to reflect back these positive feelings to yourself.
Well-being as an act of love
When we’re in a healthy relationship with another, we treat them well and show our love in various ways. It may be cooking a healthy meal or going out on a nice date. We do thoughtful things for our partner to let them know we care.
This also applies to your love affair with YOU! Prioritizing your well-being is an act of love. Think about what you need to live well, cultivate a healthy state of mind, and invite happiness into your life?
It's important to cultivate healthy habits that support your well-being. This includes eating a balanced diet, getting enough sleep, and moving your body. It also means taking care of your mental health by practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and seeking support when you need it.
For me, this looks like making time for some version of my sacred morning ritual, processing my emotions, and treating my body well. I don’t wait for anyone to tend to me or make me feel good about myself. Learning to love myself has been the best thing I’ve done in my life!
Even on days when I’m not feeling 100%, I’ll switch course by putting on clothes I love and doing my make up. This may seem superficial, I’ve noticed when I look good, it only heightens how I feel!
We have more control over our days and our life than we think. As the saying goes, if you don’t like something, change it.
We can’t change the people around us, but we can change ourselves. And by this, I don’t mean there’s an issue with you that you need to change (there’s magic in all of us!), but by embracing a loving relationship with yourself and your outlook on the world, you can have a bigger impact than you’d imagine.
So ask yourself, what do you want and need to live well and take better care of yourself? Then start small and begin making tiny shifts.
What to do when your love affair is rocky
I’ve talked about many positive aspects of a love affair with yourself. But does this mean that your life will become all sunshine and rainbows?
NO. Absolutely not!
But just as in a relationship with a partner, you’ll need to practice being supportive and loving during times of sadness, frustration, and even anger.
You’ve probably heard the term “holding space.” Writer Yasmeen El Gerbi described it beautifully when she wrote, “Holding space for yourself means giving yourself permission to strip away of all the judgement you hold toward yourself, even for a little while as a form of self-care that’s integral to your mental health.”
Learning to hold space for yourself is not only beneficial to your mental + physical health, but it’s also an act of love. It’s not always easy, as nothing in life is. But here are a few things to support you:
Check in with the stories you’re telling yourself or the point of view you’re holding about a situation. We don’t realize it, but many times it’s the story we’ve created or the POV we have about an issue that is adding to our suffering. I can’t go fully into this now, but here are 2 different references - The Work by Byron Katie and Choose your story, change your life by Kindra Hall.
Protecting your peace and preserving your energy by setting boundaries. Therapist Nedra Tawwab has written books about the subject and her Instagram account is full of resources. Check it out here.
Take time to check in with yourself regularly. Whether you have a daily routine or ritual or tend to prefer soul-led choices that guide what you do for the day, finding time for yourself is important. What do you need? How are you feeling? Having time alone with yourself allows you to become more self-aware, which actually helps you move through your day (and through life) in a better way.
Creating a personal retreat is another powerful way to nurture your love affair with yourself, come through a transition, reconnect with yourself, or simply reset. I’m actually on a personal retreat in Costa Rica right now as I write this. But you do not have to travel or even leave your house for this if you can’t or don’t want to. Travel is not the point.
Your personal retreat is a time and space where you disconnect from the world and focus solely on yourself. It can be a day, weekend, or longer depending on your needs and wants. But creating a quiet space in your home (or home away from home) where you can meditate, journal, and reflect will help you recharge your batteries, gain clarity, and connect more deeply with yourself.
Why begin a love affair with yourself now?
We’re taught to be humble, self-sacrificing, always putting the needs of everyone else first. But like the flight attendants say before take off, “in case of emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.”
I want us to stop waiting for an emergency (a health scare, losing a loved one, losing a job, or losing our sense of self) before we start prioritizing ourself. A love affair with yourself is not selfish. Just like self care is not selfish, nor is understanding what you want in this life and inviting it in!
A love affair with self has benefits that are easy to overlook, but so impactful, like:
When you have a solid relationship with yourself, it impacts your relationship with everyone else you encounter
Part of your love affair with yourself is coming to a place of love and acceptance for your magic and your flaws. It all makes you who you are, which is someone who is worthy of love simply for being.
Learning to love yourself changes your perspective of life and the human experience. In addition to being more accepting of yourself, you’ll be more compassionate toward others. We need more of this in the world.
Everything in our world is energy, so when you’re vibrating in the frequency of love, you become a magnet for more love and joy.
Remember, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself, so it's worth investing the time and energy to make it beautiful and fulfilling. Repeat this with me:
I am adoring the MUSE within and giving her what she needs to live life as a master(peace).
Resources
If you’re ready to learn more about your own human design ➮ Illuminate the Muse Human Design Reading
If you want a FREE guide to explore your gifts based on your human design ➮ A Guide to Remembrance: Awaken Your 4 Unique Superpowers For Authentic Expression, Fulfillment + Purpose
Note: this post contains affiliate links.